Angela C. Yaws

“For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Matthew 7:1-5)”

I do not want to question the scripture, but I am severely confused. The reason I come to this is from a recent happening last night. Today is my Birthday, and this morning I was told by my mother that my brother tried to commit suicide. He had slashed, very deeply, four slashes on the right and left wrist. He had locked himself in the bathroom of a friends house and luckily they kicked the door in and took him to the hospital before he perished.

At the hospital, my brother overheard the Emergency Room Doctor say that they were lining up a copter to take him to the east coast of NC to a Psych ward or something like that. He got dressed and left the hospital without telling anyone. The friend he was with talked him into going back to the hospital, because around here if you do a suicide attempt and run, the sheriff’s department can arrest you and put you in the prison psych ward. So he does go back to the hospital and they tell him they will release him if he will show back up to the hospital Monday morning to start treatment on the 6th floor, I think that is the Mental Ward. They told him if he was not there, they would send the sheriff’s department to look for him, and that will not be wise for him because he has like 3 warrants for his arrest.

Before my father committed suicide, my brother stole like 2600.00 from him, and my dad couldn’t see his son in jail, bailed him out and didn’t see him till the Thursday before he died, which was a couple of years after.

Here recently, my brother has stole everything sell able that my mother has. EVERYTHING, and she has not had heating oil, no cable, no phone and I have had to pay for her cigarettes, gas, my kids birthdays from her, food etc. because she was so in the hole from the money and possessions that he as stolen from her. She has let him back into her life after a few weeks of being angry. She finally got a job, that started last Wednesday, and Friday when she came home, she saw that her dvd player was gone. The one I bought her for her birthday 2 years ago. She knew he was back on crack (I’m not sure he was even off it) and she started calling him. So finally last night the friend that saved him texted my mother and told her that if she loved him or cared about him she needed to go see him since he had slit his wrists.

I broke…. I cried, screamed, and told my mother that this was a pity party, and I wouldn’t say any different, but when I look at that passage up there it makes me wonder what God thinks of my reaction.

Am I evil because I cannot feel sorry that he cut his wrists? I don’t know what to do. Somewhere deep inside, I still love the brother I used to have, but I hate the thing that is my brother now. I do hope that nothing happens to me right now, because I cannot ask for forgiveness when I am so angry with him. I think it wouldn’t be right.

I cannot breath, I feel like I am barely keeping my head out of water. I don’t know what to do. I cannot take him and his actions any longer. I also am having a hard time talking to my mother. I know you cannot mess with a mothers love, but she has GOT to do something. She has to stop this. Tough Love is what he needs, and the other people around him are his enablers. I stopped letting him come to my house 8 years ago. I was afraid I would lose everything if I didn’t. I couldn’t take his lies and his crack, pot and pill addiction so I don’t talk to him any longer.

I know I probably need to go to a psychologist, but I just don’t have the money. So if anyone out there has been in mine or my mother’s shoes, please offer a little advice. I would greatly appreciate it.

-Angela