Hungry, or Not Hungry, that is the question…

Well it has been a while since I have written. I don’t think it is that I have not had time, I just haven’t thought about it. My life is ok, not the best and not the worst. My body hurts, I am gaining weight again, and my joints are hating my guts… I just don’t know what to do. I know I have said before that I am an addict, but I just dont think people understand the severity of my food addiction. Food is my drug. I use when I am tired, I use when I am upset, I use when Im angry, I use when I am anxious… I use… I can be completely full and about 10 mins later I am looking for something else to eat. I seriously feel the hunger pains..  Soon as I can get insurance or something I am going to go to the doctor to see if it is mental or what. I am sorry for rambling, but that is the purpose of the blog aka Diar, to say what I feel. Anywho, I hope you all are doing well safe, sound and healthy…

Love, Light and Laughter…
-Angela

BlackBerry…..

Well, hubby got me the BlackBerry Curve 8310 in January. So here I am sitting in the school parking lot waiting on Sierra and testing WP on the BB… So far so good….lol

Do not judge, or you too will be judged

“For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Matthew 7:1-5)”

I do not want to question the scripture, but I am severely confused. The reason I come to this is from a recent happening last night. Today is my Birthday, and this morning I was told by my mother that my brother tried to commit suicide. He had slashed, very deeply, four slashes on the right and left wrist. He had locked himself in the bathroom of a friends house and luckily they kicked the door in and took him to the hospital before he perished.

At the hospital, my brother overheard the Emergency Room Doctor say that they were lining up a copter to take him to the east coast of NC to a Psych ward or something like that. He got dressed and left the hospital without telling anyone. The friend he was with talked him into going back to the hospital, because around here if you do a suicide attempt and run, the sheriff’s department can arrest you and put you in the prison psych ward. So he does go back to the hospital and they tell him they will release him if he will show back up to the hospital Monday morning to start treatment on the 6th floor, I think that is the Mental Ward. They told him if he was not there, they would send the sheriff’s department to look for him, and that will not be wise for him because he has like 3 warrants for his arrest.

Before my father committed suicide, my brother stole like 2600.00 from him, and my dad couldn’t see his son in jail, bailed him out and didn’t see him till the Thursday before he died, which was a couple of years after.

Here recently, my brother has stole everything sell able that my mother has. EVERYTHING, and she has not had heating oil, no cable, no phone and I have had to pay for her cigarettes, gas, my kids birthdays from her, food etc. because she was so in the hole from the money and possessions that he as stolen from her. She has let him back into her life after a few weeks of being angry. She finally got a job, that started last Wednesday, and Friday when she came home, she saw that her dvd player was gone. The one I bought her for her birthday 2 years ago. She knew he was back on crack (I’m not sure he was even off it) and she started calling him. So finally last night the friend that saved him texted my mother and told her that if she loved him or cared about him she needed to go see him since he had slit his wrists.

I broke…. I cried, screamed, and told my mother that this was a pity party, and I wouldn’t say any different, but when I look at that passage up there it makes me wonder what God thinks of my reaction.

Am I evil because I cannot feel sorry that he cut his wrists? I don’t know what to do. Somewhere deep inside, I still love the brother I used to have, but I hate the thing that is my brother now. I do hope that nothing happens to me right now, because I cannot ask for forgiveness when I am so angry with him. I think it wouldn’t be right.

I cannot breath, I feel like I am barely keeping my head out of water. I don’t know what to do. I cannot take him and his actions any longer. I also am having a hard time talking to my mother. I know you cannot mess with a mothers love, but she has GOT to do something. She has to stop this. Tough Love is what he needs, and the other people around him are his enablers. I stopped letting him come to my house 8 years ago. I was afraid I would lose everything if I didn’t. I couldn’t take his lies and his crack, pot and pill addiction so I don’t talk to him any longer.

I know I probably need to go to a psychologist, but I just don’t have the money. So if anyone out there has been in mine or my mother’s shoes, please offer a little advice. I would greatly appreciate it.

-Angela

bring on the resolutions……

Now wether I can keep these or not, here they are. Here are a few things I want to do or keep up for the bright fresh new year….lol..

1. Quit Smoking, and stay quit.

2. Start an exercise plan, and stick with it.

3. Start drawing more, and don’t throw anything away!

4. Finish my websites, and have full content in there.

5. Talk to my friends on social networks and messengers more!

6. Say one good thing about myself each day.

7. Make plans and follow through with them, with my girls.

8. Make sure my girls know that I love them more than anything, everyday.

9. Set a clean house day, and clean all day long. No excuses.. (but keep it picked up through out the week…lol)

10. FIND MY MOTHER A MAN………lmao

Happy New Year everyone…. I hope you have a safe, happy , healthy and prosperous 2009!

-Angela:-)

OMGoodness…. here we go…

Tomorrow is the day. My quit smoke day, and I am so nervous! I don’t care how bad I want them, I am done…. I have waited for this day for about 2 months. I’m not going to lie, I am scared to death. I don’t know how I am going to handle this, but I am going to handle it. I just hope that my family understands and I don’t make them to miserable through the process!…lol…

Also, on January 1, 2009 will be the beginning of my new life. I am ready to make myself healthier. It’s time. I need to quit being lazy, and just do it. I have to be here for my kids…. I cannot let them down by getting diabetes and dying, getting so big that my heart can’t take it and have a heart attack, plus smoking…. That all equals DEATH… I cannot die on them. I have to see them live, and I want to see my grandkids (when the time comes)..

I have to make it. I cannot give up, I just can’t…

Ok, I’m done with that…

Love, Light and Laughter…
Angela

Christmas?

You know I have gotten to thinking. Where the hell did the real Christmas go, and who the hell knows where I can find it? The Commercialism of Christmas is one of the most evil things on a supposedly holy day. People have lost any meaning of Christmas. Christmas was the day Jesus was supposedly born. Do you think people honor that any longer? Even Christians are on the band wagon. I know that they have there little Christmas plays, and they have the Christmas morning services, but that is it. That is all that Jesus is celebrated. even the Christians hurry home to open presents and not just the children, its everyone.

I was warning my children that this Christmas was going to be sparse. I don’t have the money to do what I have done in years past… Then my 6 year old Kaylee looks at me and says “Mom, as long as you have a Merry Merry Christmas, I will be happy.” I broke down right then. I cried my eyes out. I am so happy that I have taught my girls that there is more to Christmas than what you get or how much you get.

I so want tradition to come back to my family before my girls get older. I had a little of tradition, but with a broken household, it was hard to keep it that way. This Christmas, my mother and I both have no money at all, so there will be no Traditional Christmas Eve dinner, My oldest is going with her dad and wonderful stepmother to Virgina for Christmas this year, and this will be the first Christmas without her and Sierra will be going with her dad and stepmother at 12:00 Christmas day till the weekend.

I am not in the Christmas spirit. I am sick of the Christmas songs, I am tired of seeing the sales commercials and I am SICK of the Christmas count down.

I do hope that Mr. Obama will help us out of this rut. Bring God back to this country, and bring hope to this world that has went to hell….

Off the Soap Box now…
-Angela

Taking the leap….

To start off I am so damn excited. I opened my first website in 2002 and she was named midnightgraphx.com. In 2004 I was low on money and I couldn’t renew my hosting and my name went dead. Well, I tried a few months later to get it back and someone had purchased the name. I tried to contact the new owner and he wanted $1000.00 for the name, I politely told him to go screw himself. So every year since that I have been watching the whois to see if the person renewed it. Low and behold he renewed it every year. Well I was on my domain name provider and I was looking up names and I thought what the hell, I was going to see how much longer the guy renewed it for….. AHHHHH It was FREE!!!!! My mom paid for me to get my name back for $9.15… So, now that you know that I will tell you about my big leap…

As most of you know, I have been too chicken to sell any of my original art work. The only person outside of family to own something I have drawn (not including the dolls I drew for a few people) but my work is Stephie. I am terrified to try to sell my art work. I mean petrified. So my mom, and my husband have finally pushed me to no end. Like threatening me and stuff… So……. Here goes…. I am going to put up a shop on my http://www.midnightgraphx.com and sell my originals. I will make 2 copies of the originals I decide to sell. I will frame them all and I will sell the original, a print and put a print up at the shop my mother and I have opened… I will do some on ebay and some on my website.

I am terrified of someone telling me that my stuff is not worth selling, so if anyone thinks I should not do this please let me know. So what I am going to do, is try it for a year. I will not give up for a year. Then I will see what has happened. If there are no interests or no purchases, I will close her down for good, and I will not put my art up again. I know that sounds harsh, but I can’t take it. It has took me like 20 years to decide to do anything like this. Argh…. my nerves are shot.

I have to do something. There are no jobs here other than fast food, and I can’t work in fast food. Not that I cannot do the jobs, I can, but I can’t stand the grease smell… UGH…

Please, Please, give me some input. Let me know what you think. I will have the art up hopefully by the end of the first week in January… I am begging you, tell me if you think I should do this or not….

Ok, Im done…
Angela

damn..

I sit here, with a migraine and obese… That’s right I said obese. Watching The Biggest Loser and eating Cheddar and Sour cream Chips, I am pondering why I don’t do something about it. I don’t understand myself sometimes. I fought through cancer, I made it through my dad killing himself. I made it through my middle daughter’s father left me for my mother when I was 6 months pregnant… but I cannot lose weight. That’s wrong, I know I can, but I don’t know why I cannot beat this food addiction. I know people thinks that sounds cheesy and unbeliveable, but it is true. I am addicted to food like I am addicted to cigarettes. Like a drug addict to there drug. Is there such a thing as Eaters Anonymous? Ok, giggle, and lol, but I am serious. I have tried the weight watchers, the diet pills but I can still eat through them. I am not healthy, I am not happy, I am extremely sad.

There is hope though. I have a plan. It is a secret, but it is nothing that is going to harm me, it will hopefully help me. I cannot tell you what I am talking about, because it seems like every time I talk about something I am going to do I fail. I am not going to fail this time. So In a few weeks I will shed a little light on the subject but not now…

All I ask for you now is to pray for me to have strength and wisdom to conquer what I am about to do…

Thank you so much,
Angela

I just want to throw my hands up…

I don’t know what to do. I barely had enough to cover two of the girls birthdays, one on Nov. 29th and Dec. 2nd. and I can’t even buy Christmas stuff yet and it is Dec 6th!…. What the hell am I going to do.

No customers, no nothing… I don’t even have anything to pawn.. Thats bad. I guess I could pawn the Playstation, but I don’t think it would bring much, but I guess something is better than nothing…

I know everyone is hurting right now, but man this sucks… How do you tell kids that are so innocent, that you can’t buy them things like you used to buy, and make them understand that they didn’t do bad and Santa isn’t mad at them, “He” just can’t afford to do it this year….

If someone has a good answer to that, let me know…lol…

Talk to you later.
-Angela

Ahhhhh…

What to do, what to do….lol..  How is everyone supposed to buy Christmas this year? Does anyone have any ideas of what to do?

We have the shop open, but we have not had one customer since we have opened.. I think I may put some jewely up on my etsy site and on my acyaws.com site and see if I can sell something there… I found my data cable for my phone to get the pictures of the shop off there, but now I can’t find the software to install it…lol…

Ok, Im done rambling, my daughter is standing over my shoulder reading what I am writing, so I will write more later… MUAH

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving..

-Angela